H I S T O R Y


THE WORLD IN A VERY SMALL NUTSHELL We know, we know. All the history you studied in school was nearly impossible to remember and, frankly, pretty boring. Well, that's just because schools like to focus on dates, and mostly abstract discussions about pre-modern economics. Probably not your idea of a good time and definitely not ours. The really interesting part of history (and the part that might get you to remember some things about it) is called DRAMA. It comes when you study the people involved, the personal power struggles and the national—and sometimes international—disasters that come about when opposites clash. Most of modern history (post Roman Empire) can be summoned up in one title: People Behaving Badly. And you know it's more fun to watch people making fools of themselves than watching them sprout angel wings. The fights, the love affairs, the murders, the scandals—isn't that enough? And it is all good to know before you head off to Europe. You'll get more out of visiting Shakespeare's Globe Theater on the Thames if you know more about it than you learned watching “Shakespeare In Love”. Our point of view is this—we don't think you should feel like an idiot. Most people you ask haven't a clue what went on in the past. The following doesn't try to do anything but fill you in with a few basics. If some of this sounds interesting enough, we hope you’ll learn more details by yourself. Do.
EGYPT: This civilization is a whole history lesson on its own, and we aren't even trying. Mainly what you need to understand is that our march toward the modern world began in the valley of the Eurphrates and moves through Egypt. Huge bureaucracy, thought police, and all those pyramids as burial monuments—all, of course, built by slaves. But the system of belief held it together, a lot more than Osiris—god of the underworld—who figures heavily in Egyptian religion and whose body was chopped into 15 pieces (14 of which were recovered). It’s all due for your personal exploration. You won't be disappointed.			Osiris
CHINA: Let's not ignore the eastern empire that mirrors Egypt's. They came up with the first fireworks and paper and other such do-dads Europe appropriated from them later on. And don't forget the very long wall which makes them an early role model for national isolationism. They also gave us Confucius, a philosopher who has influenced millions of people and still does. Eastern and western philosophy split dramatically during the rise of Western Europe, but they're slowly combining back together. Check him out.			Confucius
GREECE: It may be the foundation for Western thought—it certainly has a claim on it—but what you should remember is how tiny it was, and how BIG it thought. Athens was a little larger than Peoria, and produced more art, thinking, ideas than any other podunk town in the history of the world so they must have been doing something right. Yes, they had ideas about republics, about representation, and about community which you probably covered in you American Democracy class in high school. The multiple gods they worshiped had a number of human weaknesses, which probably was a plus—at least from a storytelling point of view. The combination of all these noble elements, alas, fell apart in a very human squabble with its neighbor Sparta (a city run entirely by their military) and led, natch, to a very ugly war. Then, of course, there is Alexander (the Great), who led what was left of the Greeks to world conquest (such as world conquest was at the time). He's one of the characters you should get to know on your own as his is a great story of plunder, conquest, and overblown ego. (Translate: death, destruction, and misery.)			"Winged Victory"
ROME: Here you have the big Picture painted even bigger: the Romans, too, must have done something right because they stayed around for over a thousand years. Here we think Empire and the conquest of a lot of neighboring nations and people they referred to as “savages” (i.e. France and England). It all added to their wealth. They gave the modern world ideas about government and architecture. Still, much of their art and culture was inspired by—if not directly copied from—the Greeks. The statue shown at right is a famous example of just that. It's helpful to remember there was a “Republican” period ending with the assassination of Julius Ceasar which was promptly followed by a civil war—that’s where Octavian, Mark Anthony and Cleopatra come in—which was followed by the demented rule of some of the most lurid emperors you'll come across. Suitonios’ “Lives of the Ceasars” is simply one of the most page turning, eye-popping bios you'll ever read (lots of bestiality, drug use, pedophilia, murder, and attitude). Then there were the “good Ceasars” (four, in fact) of which Hadrian and Marcus Aurelius are the ones that have the best PR these days. Hadrian held the empire together best of all, but frankly the Christians managed to be the kind of fanatics even an empire couldn't survive. The Romans were finished off finally by a never ending series of invasions from the Northern European and Asian “barbaric” hordes, not to mention their discouragement with war and the idea that they could simply absorb anything that came along. (Which is pretty much what happened.)			"Laocoon and His Sons"
the MOORS (800-1492) And lets not forget the Moors (think Islam) who invaded the south of Spain and whose Empire stretched from Morocco to what is now the Russian border. They brought new ideas about philosophy, art and architecture to Europe. As a bonus, they built the famous library at Alexandria, and preserved much of the education of the ancient world. It all gave Spain a big leg up leading into the middle ages. Let's not forget that they had toilets, public baths and lamp posts in Baghdad almost 6 centuries before they arrived in London.			Arches in a spanish mosque.
the MIDDLE AGES: And so with the fall of the Roman Empire everything went to hell in a hand basket. Europe broke into small pieces with small minded despots who never seemed to stop quarreling and fighting. Today we call it the feudal system. The population starved, and famine, plague and war pretty much made life miserable for everyone. Civilization (or what was left of it) retreated to Constantinople. The Monasteries and Nunneries scattered throughout offered the only refuge of calm and salvation for those stuck in Western Europe. Left to their own devices they all went slightly nuts. Saints abounded—as well as levitated, prophesied and healed—if you can believe it. The first real sign of change appears in France, when the Pope, got the demented idea of a Crusade and immediately swooped down to massacre nonbelievers in the south of France (the Albegenese). Then, naturally, they went on to the Holy Land, where they “freed” Jerusalem from the Moors in a hideous blood bath that has seldom been matched (not that we haven't tried). The Crusades (there were 9 or so) that followed had various success, but most failed terribly. What they did do is help the Crusaders learn about a new world—a better world—and the ideas they brought back with them from the east began to change their world. France blossomed into a late Medieval marvel, with gothic cathedrals sprouting all over the landscape, and ideas about art, music (the troubadours) and chivalry predominating.			The Crusades entering Jerusalem.
the RENAISSANCE: It is important to realize that the Renaissance (French for "re-birth") didn't happen at once, but rather over a couple of centuries and in different places at different times. Observe:
ITALY: Yes, the big cheese. Why? Well, Italy was ruled by a lot of ambitious despots (the Medicis are at the top of the heap) who imagined themselves as immortal, and every now and then stretched for glory. They decided that Art was their ticket to historical fame and they rode it grandly. First came Venice with its supreme navy and trade which made it very rich indeed. Their ships brought to Italy new riches but most importantly many of the classic books saved by the Moors and spices from the East plus tales of great splendor which ignited new curiosity about art, about beauty, about commerce and civilization. Once the seed was planted, these “city states”: Florence, Milan, Rome, etc. all tried to outdo each other in accomplishments, patronage, exploration and science. Competition and self-importance explains a lot of it.			Marie de'Medici by Rubens
the NETHERLANDS: The same type of situation existed in the Netherlands where ships and trade brought ideas and ambitions. In Flanders an explosion of art and philosophy actively competed with what was going on in Italy and France. The style was of course different, but the ideas were similarly aimed up and out.
SPAIN: And what was Spain to do? Well, (not wisely) it kicked out the Moors (in famous 1492) and by accident decided to finance an explorer called Columbus in his wild fantasies of finding a way to the Orient. Jackpot, but not what they expected. By destroying several highly developed civilizations in America (the Aztecs and Mayas) they plundered and came up roses (at least in gold). Which eventually, around 1550 makes them king of the mountain. A few names are important to remember: Ferdinand and Isabella (Columbus patrons) and Phillip I (whose name, like Elizabeth and Victoria, is an AGE). We also shouldn't neglect Spain’s role as protector of the Catholic faith, with their less than popular Inquisitions—(which burned, tortured, and dissected heretics). And let's also remember the Hapsburgs who start marrying off their children to every monarch in Europe don't let up until they're the top dogs.			Christopher Columbus
ELIZABETHAN ENGLAND: Coming up in the home stretch, and being a little late with their Renaissance, we get the Age of Elizabeth I. By this time Spain rules most of the world through the marriage lottery and is busy suppressing the Netherlands. Elizabeth I is remarkable (see the movies) and was even stranger than Hollywood can ever make her, but she supported the arts and exploration in a big way (think Shakespeare and Sir Walter Raleigh, respectively) and put England, at long last, on the map. (Though we recommend that you don't mention this opinion to English historians.)			Queen Elizabeth
the REFORMATION: Meanwhile back in the sticks, Germany was dominated by several quarrelsome states each with a single minded ruler who kowtowed to the Holy Roman Emperor. In one of these states a monk named Martin Luther hammered a list of grievances on the door of the church at Wittenberg—he didn't like the way the Pope was running things—and did it cause a mess! Rome freaked out but Luther’s idea got a head start with Guttenburg’s brand new printing press and soon controversy spread all over the North of Europe. The new ideas were diverse but we bunch them together as Protestantism. And as Rome and the Catholic Church tried to force order, conflicts continued to grow. War broke out constantly as Protestants refused to bow to demands. Europe caught fire, and a century of horror, death and destruction followed.			Martin Luther
the COUNTER REFORMATION Rome really couldn't stay corrupt forever (At one point the Pope was acredited to a number of illegitimate children) and couldn't keep selling holy forgiveness to those who could afford it so, of course, it began to reform. Here France begins to loom big on the horizon, as the Louis (numbers XIV through XVI) pretty much dominate taste, fashion, art, music, theater, and idiocy. Louis 14th gave France the Age of Gold (his favorite decorating color) and later Louis the 16th gave the revolution his head, opening the age of Napoleon.
the FRENCH REVOLUTION: This revolution gets it's own heading, because in our opinion, it's the biggest single drama in history. Sure, all the ideas came from the American Revolution which they funded heavily, but the French Revolution simply comes with more colorful characters, scandals, comedies and tragedies than most historical events. What it did mark is a change in the way the world thought, and as its ideas made their way to a larger world (through the Napoleonic Wars) the face of the world slowly began changing, from those ancient ideas of fifedom and hierarchy and fixed privilege to a new ideas of nations, republics and kinds of personal freedom encouraging meritocracy.			"Liberty Leading the People" by Delacroix
the NAPOLEONIC WARS: So all Europe erupted into fighting again. (What’s new?) The French overran Italy, Spain, Netherlands, Germany, Austria and Egypt. They were going great guns until Napoleon set his greedy eyes on Russia. Big mistake. One Russian winter wiped out much of the French army, and even though they took Moscow, the crazy Russians were willing to burn it to the ground rather than let Napoleon stay. (Talk about babies and bath water!) They exiled Napoleon, who somehow managed to bounce back once more only to meet his match (Nelson & the English Army) at Waterloo. But you can't keep a good idea down, and it took three more revolutions (1830, 1847, 1871) to bring those revolutionary ideas into reality in France.			Napoleon Bonaparte
VICTORIAN ENGLAND: Pass that buck. So now England becomes head honcho. We enter the Age of Victoria and the British Empire on which the sun never sets. The English weaseled their way into India, browbeat China and the Indies, did in the Boers in South Africa, sent their criminals on boats to Australia, and generally reaped the commerce, trade, and prestige its derring-do brought it.			Queen Victoria
MEANWHILE: America And somewhere along the line England spawned a little brat called the U.S. of A., which suffered through a Revolution (No, Daddy, I'm running away from home, so screw you) and a Civil War. Once that was out of the way, it proved to be slowly becoming richer, bigger and as determined as the Empire that gave them birth. Watch out!			George Washington